Subject: Death (Page 5)

One day my girlfriend asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Death Doctors Health Money

Suppose, suppose.

(1848 – 1929) American frontier law enforcement officer
Last words

He died of cirrhosis of the liver… it costs money to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Death Health Money

I should have asked for a stunt double!

(1929 – 1982) American actor
Last words

Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Last words

Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn’t scare the f**k out of everybody!

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Death

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Death Definitions

The reason so many people turned up at his funeral was to make sure he was dead.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Death Insults

I’m afraid I’m being an awful nuisance.

(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet
Death Last words

I think you're right, Wyatt. I can't see a god damn thing.

(1851 – 1882) younger brother of Deputy U.S. Marshals Virgil & Wyatt Earp
Last words

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Death Mistakes Problems

Be careful about reading health books for you may die of a misprint.

(1747 – 1803) German Jewish physician & lecturer on philosophy
Books Communication Death Health Reading/Writing

I'm tired of fighting! I guess this thing is going to get me.

born Erik Weisz (1874 – 1926) Hungarian-born American magician, stunt performer & escape artist
Last words

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Death

My dear, before you kiss me good-bye, fix your hair. It's a mess.

(1887 – 1974) American playwright, screenwriter, director & actor
Last words

I asked my doctor how many more years I have left and he said, 'You're too ornery to die.'

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
Baseball Death Sports

I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.

(1963 – 1992) Texas inmate executed for rape & murder
Last words

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Death Life Men People Time

A bird in the hand is dead.

Animals Death Murphy’s Laws