Subject: Definitions (Page 14)

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Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Death Definitions Language Money Wealth

Neighbor: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions People

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian.

Age Definitions Old

Eccentric: A man too rich to be called crazy.

Definitions People

Cigarette: A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Definitions

Congress: A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen – and not enough U.S. Congressmen.

Congress Definitions Government

Taxpayer: A person who has the government on his payroll.

Definitions Government Taxes

Baker: A person who kneads the dough.

Definitions Occupations

Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

Dating Definitions Relationships

Manners: Noises you don’t make when eating soup.

Definitions

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.

Animals Definitions

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Future Time

Post Operative: Letter carrier

Definitions

The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks,’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Communication Definitions Government Language Politics

Etiquette: The noise you don’t make while eating soup.

Definitions

Booby Trap: A brassiere.

Definitions

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.

Beliefs Definitions God

Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Money

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

Activities Definitions Travel

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Definitions Marriage