Subject: Definitions (Page 14)

Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Marriage: A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get the other half cooked.

Take Home Pay: An amount of money which is called that because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it.

Good Advice: What a man gives when he gets too old to set a bad example.

Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.

Expert: A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters.

Boss: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Gardener: Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up.

Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.

I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.

Aversion: One side of a disputed story.

Adage: To become older.

Budget: Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.

Travel Brochure: A trip teaser.

Fore: A golf bawl.

Alibi: Slip cover.

Hallucination: A belief owned exclusively by one person.

Bikini: Baiting Suit.

Housewarming: The last call for wedding presents.

Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guys.”

Man: An animal [whose]… chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist