Subject: Definitions (Page 16)

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Denial: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.

Definitions Money

Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Definitions Occupations

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Definitions Occupations Work

Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.

Definitions History Occupations Time Work

Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Birth Control: Evasion of the issue.

Definitions

Igloo: An icicle built for two.

Definitions

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Definitions People

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

Activities Definitions Games

Inflation: When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much.

Definitions Money

Wedding Ring: A one-man band.

Definitions Marriage

Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.

Definitions

Family Swimming Pool: A small body of water completely surrounded by other people’s children.

Definitions

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Wealth

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

Looting: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Crime Definitions

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.

Definitions

Rite: A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Definitions