Subject: Definitions (Page 2)

View All Definitions

Friend: Someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

Definitions Friends People

Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up by politicians.

Death Definitions

Education: What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned.

Definitions Education

Insanity: Knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.

Definitions

Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Speech

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Definitions Money

Accountant: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Definitions Occupations

Kleenex: Your daily nose-paper.

Definitions

Dignity: Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol.

Definitions

Anatomy: A class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves.

Body Definitions Education School

Cold War: Hot peace.

Conflict Definitions

Doubles: Tennis game played by athletic couples who wish to burn a few calories while arguing.

Definitions Sports

Tax Reform: Taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.

Definitions Government Taxes

Rite: A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

Subsidy: A formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.

Definitions

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

News: The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people.

Definitions

Work: An unpopular way to earn money.

Definitions Work

Committee: A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent.

Definitions

Husband: A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Definitions Marriage