Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Definitions
(Page 22)
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Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Speech
Mistaken
Positive
Puttering: Woman’s word for man’s work.
Anonymous
Definitions
Puttering
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Gracie Allen
(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)
Activities
Definitions
Cocktail party
Conscience: An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching.
Anonymous
Definitions
Conscience
Karma: Justice without the feeling of satisfaction.
Anonymous
Definitions
Karma
News: The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people.
Anonymous
Definitions
News
Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Family
Quiet
Abash: A high school graduation party.
Anonymous
Definitions
Parties
Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.
Anonymous
Autos
Definitions
Things
Pedestrians
Traffic Light
Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
Anonymous
Definitions
Occupations
Clergyman
Etiquette: The noise you don’t make while eating soup.
Anonymous
Definitions
Etiquette
Manners
Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.
Anonymous
Definitions
Occupations
Auditor
Defame: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Lies
Truth
Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Foosball
Games
Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.
Anonymous
Age
Definitions
Adolescents
Respirator: An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth… whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Things
Respirator
Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.
Anonymous
Definitions
Husbands
Marriage
Statesman: An ex-politician who has mastered the art of holding his tongue.
Anonymous
Communication
Definitions
Politicians
Speech
Statesman
Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.
Anonymous
Definitions
Ideas
Reading/Writing
Plagiarism
Democracy: A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is.
Anonymous
Definitions
Democracy
Government
Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Shopping
Bargain Hunter
Page 22 of 78
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