Subject: Definitions (Page 24)

Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it.

Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Donuts: The only non-negotiable element to a successful meeting.

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Democracy: A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected.

Alimony: A splitting headache.

Group Therapy: A drama-in-the-round staged for the entertainment of a professional therapist, who commands the players to put on a new show each week and charges them for the privilege.

Desire: The thing that is so often nipped in the budget.

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

Sound Sleeper: Someone who snores.

Discretion: Being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

Sadist: A person who is kind to a masochist.

Diplomacy: The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away.

Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

Opportunist: A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway.

Originality: The art of concealing your source.

Insomnia: contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Economist: One who takes a lot of unwarranted assumptions and reaches a foregone conclusion.