Subject: Definitions (Page 24)

Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.

Absentee: A missing golfing peg.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Gold Digger: A woman after all.

Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.

Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Hospital Room: A place where friends of the patient go to talk to other friends of the patient.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Boss: A person who comes early to see who comes late.

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

Balanced Diet: A cookie in each hand.

Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.

Cigarette: A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Dictator: One who thinks he can take it – no matter to whom it belongs.

Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftovers.

X-chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Judge: A law student who grades his own papers.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Good Neighbor: One who makes his noise at the same time you make yours.