Subject: Definitions (Page 26)

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Rear: In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Congress Definitions Military

Electrocardiograph: Ticker tape.

Definitions Wordplay

Insanity: Knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.

Definitions

Argument: An exchange of ignorance.

Definitions

Realtor: A man with lots to sell.

Definitions Occupations Wordplay

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Definitions Friends People

Matrimony: The splice of life.

Definitions Marriage Wordplay

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.

Definitions Driving

Artichoke: The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started.

Definitions

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

Farmer: The only man who can lose money every year, live well, educate his children, and then die rich.

Definitions

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Death Definitions

Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Definitions

Small Town: A place where everybody knows the troubles you’ve seen.

Definitions Places

Epigram: A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half.

Definitions

Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

writer
Definitions Family

Bookie: A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.

Definitions

Punctuality: Waiting around for other people.

Definitions

Bragging: The patter of tiny feats.

Definitions

English Channel: The BBC.

Definitions Entertainment Television