Subject: Definitions (Page 27)

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Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local tv news broadcasts.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Death Definitions

Bathing Suit: A garment cut to see level.

Appearance Clothing Definitions Wordplay

Niagara Falls: The bride’s second great disappointment.

Definitions Places Sex

Tears: Remorse code.

Definitions Wordplay

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Tube Dress: A dress which is an extended boob tube.

Clothing Definitions

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

Definitions Marriage

Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.

Definitions Women

Imagination: What puts men in asylums unless they are crazy enough to put it down on paper or canvas.

Definitions

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Definitions

Morality: An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.

Beliefs Definitions Honesty

Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator
Animals Definitions People Places

Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.

Definitions

Diet Drink/Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Definitions Food/Drink

Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.

Definitions Wordplay

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two being goulash and squid.

Definitions Food/Drink

Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up by politicians.

Death Definitions

Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.

Definitions