Subject: Definitions (Page 27)

Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local tv news broadcasts.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Bathing Suit: A garment cut to see level.

Niagara Falls: The bride’s second great disappointment.

Tears: Remorse code.

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Tube Dress: A dress which is an extended boob tube.

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.

Imagination: What puts men in asylums unless they are crazy enough to put it down on paper or canvas.

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Morality: An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.

Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator

Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.

Diet Drink/Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two being goulash and squid.

Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up by politicians.

Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.