Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Definitions
(Page 3)
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Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs
Definitions
Religion
Scriptures
Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Atrophy
Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local tv news broadcasts.
Rick Bayan
(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions
Shallowness
History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
History
Time
Business: Something which, if you don’t have any, you go out of.
Anonymous
Definitions
Business
Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Wedding License
Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire… at least in a small way.
Anonymous
Definitions
Arsonist
CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
CPR
Ventriloquist: A man with a dummy who always talks to himself.
Anonymous
Definitions
Ventriloquist
Definition: A statement intended to put a word in its place.
Anonymous
Communication
Definitions
Language
Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Speech
Auctioneer
Television: A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and Dad can get out to the movies.
Anonymous
Definitions
Entertainment
Television
Girdle: The difference between fact and figure.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Definitions
Girdle
Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Age
Definitions
Middle age
In Mexico, we have a word for sushi… bait.
Jose Simon
(1945 – 2008) American comedian & musician
Definitions
Food/Drink
Places
Mexico
Sushi
Lawsuit: A contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the lawyers on both sides of the dispute.
Anonymous
Definitions
Law
Lawyers
Lawsuit
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Emotions
Happiness
Women
Bride
Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Definitions
People
Liberal
Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you.
Anonymous
Definitions
Doctors
Health
Demagogue: A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.
Anonymous
Definitions
Demagogue
B-Negative: A pessimist’s blood type.
Anonymous
Definitions
Blood
Pessimists
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