Subject: Definitions (Page 3)

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Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions Religion

Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.

Activities Definitions

Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local tv news broadcasts.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions History Time

Business: Something which, if you don’t have any, you go out of.

Definitions

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Definitions Marriage

Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire… at least in a small way.

Definitions

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

Definitions Health

Ventriloquist: A man with a dummy who always talks to himself.

Definitions

Definition: A statement intended to put a word in its place.

Communication Definitions Language

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Speech

Television: A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and Dad can get out to the movies.

Definitions Entertainment Television

Girdle: The difference between fact and figure.

Appearance Body Clothing Definitions

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Age Definitions

In Mexico, we have a word for sushi… bait.

(1945 – 2008) American comedian & musician
Definitions Food/Drink Places

Lawsuit: A contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the lawyers on both sides of the dispute.

Definitions Law Lawyers

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Emotions Happiness Women

Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.

Beliefs Definitions People

Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you.

Definitions Doctors Health

Demagogue: A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

Definitions

B-Negative: A pessimist’s blood type.

Definitions