Subject: Definitions (Page 30)

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Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Definitions Happiness Intelligence

Creditor: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.

Definitions

Intellectual: A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach.

Definitions People

Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

Definitions Things

Absentee: A missing golfing peg.

Definitions Golf Sports

Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Definitions Government

Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Alcohol Definitions

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

Definitions Occupations

Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

writer
Definitions Family

Stomach: The home of the swallow.

Definitions

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Definitions Sex

Punctuality: The art of arriving for an appointment just in time to be indignant at the tardiness of the other party.

Definitions Time

Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.

Definitions

Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.

Definitions Occupations

Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

Clothing Definitions

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions Places Things

Life: Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS.

Definitions Life Taxes

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Definitions Science/Weather

Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.

Definitions

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you don’t need it.

Definitions Money

Yacht: A floating debt.

Definitions