Subject: Definitions (Page 30)

Gossip: One with a keen sense of rumor.

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Rugby: A game played by gentlemen with odd-shaped balls.

Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.

Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.

Experience: Something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

Hot Pants: Breeches of promise.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.

(1870-1943) German-American politician, socialist & writer

Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.

Pain: An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Narcissist: Psychoanalytic term for the person who loves himself more than his analyst.

Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Liberal: Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.

Disc Jockey: A guy who lives on spins and needles.

Patience: The quality you admire in the driver behind you but can’t stand in the driver who’s in front of you.

Communist: A guy who borrows your pot to cook your goose.

Intimacy: The first step toward parenthood.

Penicillin: What to give a man who has everything.