Subject: Definitions (Page 32)

Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Yardstick: One foot on each side and one in the middle.

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up by politicians.

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

Ambassador: An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.

Earthquake: A topographical error.

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Chivalry: A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

Hunch: What you call an idea that you’re afraid is wrong.

Adolescence: When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how.

Altar-Boy: A type of bicycle accident.

Slang: Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.

Selfishness: Annoying quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepared to give it to me.

Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.

Self-evident: Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Middle Age: That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.

Critic: One who boasts of being “hard to please” because nobody tries to please him. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Senility: A cleansing of the mental blackboard shortly before class is dismissed.

Confidence: What you have before you understand the problem.