Subject: Definitions (Page 36)

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A true gentleman is a man who may know how to play the bagpipes – but doesn’t.

Definitions

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning; old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Definitions Old

Gardener: Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up.

Definitions

Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.

Definitions

Faith: Not wanting to know what is true.

(1844 – 1900) German philosopher
Beliefs Definitions

Spilt Milk: Udder waste.

Definitions Food/Drink Wordplay

Argument: An exchange of ignorance.

Definitions

Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic
Acting Definitions Entertainment Occupations

Diet: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.

Definitions Food/Drink

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.

Definitions Shopping

Altar-Boy: A type of bicycle accident.

Definitions

Boss: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Work

Associate producer: Anybody who’s prepared to associate with a producer.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Definitions

Longevity: Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Death Definitions Language Life

Apartment: A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent.

Definitions

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Definitions Future Time

Female: One who believes if you charge it, it’s not spending, and if you add a cherry to it, it’s not intoxicating.

Definitions People

Woman: A creature who is either making a fool out of man, or making a man out of a fool.

Definitions People

Chicken: An egg factory.

Animals Definitions

Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Animals Definitions

Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.

(1850 – 1894) Scottish novelist, poet, essayist & travel writer
Definitions Marriage