Subject: Definitions (Page 38)

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Abbreviation: Long word with, ironically, no obvious shorter alternative.

British writer, cartoonist, poet & performer
Definitions Language Reading/Writing

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

Definitions Health

Neighbors: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument.

Definitions People

Houseplants: Vegetable companions.

Definitions

Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid in cash, not by check..

Definitions

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Definitions Science/Weather

Poise: The act of raising the eyebrows instead of the roof.

Definitions

Strip Poker: A game in which the more you lose the more you have to show for it.

Activities Definitions

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage

News: The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people.

Definitions

Destiny: A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure.

Definitions Future Time

Senate: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Congress Definitions Government

Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Definitions Food/Drink

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Definitions Doctors Health

Ignoramus: Someone who doesn’t know something that you learned yesterday.

Definitions Intelligence

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.

Definitions Shopping

Underwear: An article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Arson: Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage.

Definitions

Hooker: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Sex

Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.

Activities Definitions

Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money