Subject: Definitions (Page 40)

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Hip: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Miscellaneous

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size 6.

Appearance Definitions Fat

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Death Definitions

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Definitions Marriage Wives

Brat: A child who displays his pest manners.

Definitions

Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their child to make a 25-cent ash tray.

Definitions

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

Definitions Eating Food/Drink

Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.

Definitions

Zoo: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Animals Definitions

Fishing License: Permit issued upon payment of a modest fee that allows fishermen to lose lures in a specified area.

Activities Definitions

Accountant: Someone hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.

Definitions Occupations

Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Definitions

Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.

Definitions People

Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.

Communication Definitions

Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies.

Definitions

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Farmer: A handy man with a sense of humus.

Definitions Wordplay

Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.

Activities Definitions