Subject: Definitions (Page 41)

View All Definitions

Xylophone: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also "drums."

Definitions Entertainment Music

Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.

Definitions

The Cocktail Party: A device for paying off obligations to people you don’t want to invite to dinner.

(1916 – 1986) American minister & author
Activities Definitions People

Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.

Definitions

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

Definitions Marriage Wives

Sympathy: What one woman offers another in exchange for details.

Definitions

Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Health Language

Self-esteem: An erroneous appraisement.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Definitions

Taxation: The process by which money is collected from the people to pay the salaries of the men who do the collecting.

Definitions Government Taxes

Budget: A schedule for going into debt systematically.

Definitions

Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.

Age Definitions Sex

Dentures: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.

Definitions Entertainment Music

Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you.

Definitions Doctors Health

Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.

Definitions

Armor: A knight gown.

Clothing Definitions

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Definitions

Fettuccine Alfredo: Macaroni and cheese for adults.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink

Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.

Definitions Time Work

Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to.

Definitions

Capitol: The seat of misgovernment.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Government