Subject: Definitions (Page 42)

View All Definitions

Calculus: The branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Definitions Science/Weather

Conservative: A liberal who has just been mugged.

Beliefs Definitions

Wind: Weather on the go.

Definitions Science/Weather

Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it.

Definitions

Brain: The apparatus with which we think we think.

Body Definitions

Consult: To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

Childhood: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Elector: One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man’s choice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Elections/Voting Government Language

X: The signature of a happy man.

Definitions

Short Vacation: Half a loaf.

Activities Definitions

Dieting: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Definitions Food/Drink

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

Appearance Definitions

Wrinkles: Something other people have… you have character lines.

Appearance Body Definitions

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

Definitions Marriage Wives

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.

Death Definitions

Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

Definitions Food/Drink

Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.

Activities Definitions

Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speeding tickets, the desire to watch professional wrestling, Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, war, fist fights, and the need to purchase cocktails for women with names like “Boom Boom. ”

Definitions Men

Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.

Definitions Food/Drink