Subject: Definitions (Page 43)

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Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.

Definitions Science/Weather

Barber: The town cutup.

Definitions Wordplay

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Communication Definitions Language

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

Definitions Family

Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.

Definitions Sex

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Definitions Money

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

Autos Definitions Things

Fortune teller: Séance fiction.

Definitions

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Mistakes People

Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

Definitions

Overeat: To dine.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Eating Food/Drink Language

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Definitions Health

Wink: A whether signal.

Definitions

Fishing License: Permit issued upon payment of a modest fee that allows fishermen to lose lures in a specified area.

Activities Definitions

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Congress: A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs.

Congress Definitions Government

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Scholarly Debate: Feud for thought.

Communication Definitions

Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.

Definitions Life

Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to.

Definitions