Subject: Definitions (Page 47)

View All Definitions

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Body Definitions

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Speech

Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.

Death Definitions

Creditor: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.

Definitions

Golf: A long walk broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

Definitions Golf Sports

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.

Definitions Politics

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Definitions Health

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.

Beliefs Definitions God

Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.

Definitions

Professor: A person whose job is to tell students how to solve the problems of life he avoided by becoming a professor.

Definitions Education

Three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Definitions Men Sex

Alibi: Slip cover.

Definitions

Democracy: A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is.

Definitions Democracy Government

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Definitions

Short Vacation: Half a loaf.

Activities Definitions

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.

Animals Definitions

Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Marriage

Status Quo: Latin for “the mess we’re in.”

Definitions Problems

Diet: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.

Definitions Food/Drink