Subject: Definitions (Page 53)

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Astronomer: Night watchman.

Definitions Occupations

Cemetery: An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies.

Definitions

Pessimist: A person who looks at a doughnut and sees nothing but the hole.

Definitions

Charm: The ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful.

Characteristics Definitions

Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.

Definitions

Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.

Definitions

Ignoramus: A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Intelligence Wisdom

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Wealth

Home: A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office.

Definitions Places

Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.

Activities Definitions Games

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Dieting: The triumph of mind over platter.

Definitions

Phillips Screwdriver: Used  to round off Phillips screw heads.

Definitions Things

Boss: A person who comes early to see who comes late.

Definitions Work

Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.

Animals Definitions

Selfishness: A state of mine.

Definitions

Window Shopping: Eye browsing.

Activities Definitions Shopping

Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions Religion

Newborn Baby: Fresh heir.

Definitions

Boxing: A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.

Boxing Definitions Sports