Subject: Definitions (Page 58)

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Xylophone: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also "drums."

Definitions Entertainment Music

Leftovers: Repast history.

Definitions Food/Drink

Diplomat: A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

Definitions

Neighbors: The strangers who live next door.

Definitions People

Science Fiction: Fairy tales for nerds.

Communication Definitions Science/Weather

Statistician: One who knows which numbers to use in any eventuality.

Definitions Occupations

Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.

Activities Definitions

Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Animals Definitions Dogs

Patron: A customer who doesn't ask prices.

Definitions

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

Activities Definitions Travel

Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.

Definitions Wordplay

Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.

Definitions

Originality: Undetected plagiarism.

Definitions

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

Definitions Health

Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Definitions Food/Drink

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Definitions Food/Drink

Monument: A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Marriage: The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch.

Definitions Marriage

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Definitions

Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

Definitions

Critic: One quick-on-the-flaw.

Definitions Occupations