Subject: Definitions (Page 64)

Diet: Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on.

Ability: What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss.

Sex: The formula by which one and one makes three.

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Golf: A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week a chance to lie and cheat outdoors.

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are.

Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.

Y-chromosome: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

Cartoon: What’s sung when driving your car.

Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.

typographer

Overeat: To dine.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire.

Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Gigolo: A fee-male.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Epitaph: A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued.

Woman: A creature who is either making a fool out of man, or making a man out of a fool.

Congress: A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Cleavage: Something which excites disapproval in everyone but the audience.

Selfishness: A state of mine.