Subject: Definitions (Page 64)

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Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Things

Perfume: What a woman hopes will make her the scenter of attention.

Definitions Wordplay

Accountant: One who uses your books to figure his profit.

Definitions Occupations

Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.

Dating Definitions Relationships

Banquet: A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it.

Definitions Food/Drink

Carpet: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

Definitions

Neurotic: Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won’t happen in the future.

Definitions People

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.

Animals Definitions

Expert: A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters.

Definitions

A true gentleman is a man who may know how to play the bagpipes – but doesn’t.

Definitions

Neighbor: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions People

Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

Definitions Government Politicians

Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.

Definitions Ideas Reading/Writing

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Definitions Occupations

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Emotions Happiness Women

Conference: A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing.

Definitions

District of Columbia: A territory bounded on all sides by the United States of America.

Definitions Places

Father: An ATM provided by nature.

Definitions Family Fathers

Associate producer: Anybody who’s prepared to associate with a producer.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Definitions

Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.

Definitions

Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.

Definitions