Subject: Definitions (Page 67)

Accountant: One who uses your books to figure his profit.

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Credit: A commodity that becomes better the less it is used.

Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.

Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands.

Government Bureau: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.

Diplomacy: The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away.

Dictatorship: A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately.

Discriminate: To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Fobia: The fear of misspelled words.

Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Abortion: Love's labor lost.

Earthquake: A topographical error.

Parole: A period at the end of a sentence.

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary.

Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist