Subject: Definitions (Page 69)

Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.

Statistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either.

Alibi: Slip cover.

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion.

Executive Shakeup: Title wave.

No Exit: A sign indicating the most convenient way out of a building.

Borrower: A person who always wants to be left a loan.

Professional model: cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Voting: A process of standing in line for the opportunity to help decide which party will spend your money.

Tact: The ability to arrive at conclusions without expressing them.

Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

Vegetarian: Indian word for bad hunter.

Forger: A man who made a name for himself.

Heir Cut: Disinheritance.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.

User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to its programmer.

Courtship: A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better.

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.