Subject: Definitions (Page 75)

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Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.

Definitions Time Work

Ventriloquist: A man who never speaks for himself.

Communication Definitions Speech

Rite: A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local tv news broadcasts.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart

Definitions

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Occupations People Truth

Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.

Definitions

Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Body Definitions Health

Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.

Definitions

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Communication Definitions Speech

Window: A looking-out glass.

Definitions Things

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Animals Definitions

Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.

Definitions

Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world.

Definitions People

Take Home Pay: An amount of money which is called that because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it.

Definitions Money

Propaganda: Baloney disguised as food for thought.

Definitions Wordplay

Leftovers: Repast history.

Definitions Food/Drink

Glutton: A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted.

Definitions Eating Food/Drink People

Arson: Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage.

Definitions

Neurotic: Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won’t happen in the future.

Definitions People