Subject: Education (Page 3)

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake… which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.

(1818 – 1883) German philosopher, economist, sociologist & socialist

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.

If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

There’s always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it’s my wife’s aerobics instructor.

comedian

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.

(1948 – ) American writer & mathematician

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

(1919 – 2000) Canadian prime minister & politician

When I was recruited at Auburn, they took me to a strip joint; when I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
Corollary: The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it. 2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it.

I'm from one of those places where the whole number system consists of one, two and a shitload.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist

I was thinkin' maybe we should just bomb ourselves so we could upgrade our school system.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

(1974 – ) American comedian

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian