Subject: Education » School (Page 5)

Can’t anything be done about calling these guys student athletes? … That’s like referring to Attila the Hun’s cavalry as “weekend warriors.”

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

(1948 – ) American cartoonist (Doonesbury)

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

(1927 – ) American comedian

My recipe for bad grades: don't study.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything one learned in school.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

With one or two exceptions, colleges expect their players of games to be reasonably literate.

(1898 – 1971) English classical scholar & academic

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

(1903 – 1966) English writer

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the following semester.

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

I stopped telling people I didn't attend college when it suddenly dawned on me that no one was particularly surprised.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

I went to medical school here at Columbia; I got my M.D.; and was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up – and not just because of the lawsuits.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

(1941 – ) American singer & songwriter

College: A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink.