Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Friday, May 9, 2025
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Subject:
Entertainment
(Page 13)
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children
Entertainment
Money
Movies
Prices
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Entertainment
Painting
Acting is pretending, and the most difficult part is pretending you’re eating regularly.
Anonymous
Acting
Eating
Entertainment
Food/Drink
Occupations
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
Elizabeth Taylor
(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Entertainment
Actors
Leading men
I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
Johnny Mercer
(1909 – 1976) American lyricist, songwriter & singer
Entertainment
Insults
Reviews/Criticism
Of a British musical
Songwriting
Theater
I went to see that Pavarotti last week… he doesn't like it when you join in.
Bernard Manning
(1930 – 2007) English comedian & nightclub owner
Entertainment
Pavarotti
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Art
Money
People
Public
If you're gonna blame teen sex on rock 'n' roll, why don't we just blame incest on country and western?
Mike Dugan
comedian
Entertainment
Music
Incest
Rock 'n' roll
Teen sex
The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
Paul Newman
(1925 – 2008) American actor, director & entrepreneur
Entertainment
Film
Money
Of “Newman's Own” salad dressing
I used to work for a living, then I became an actor.
Roger Moore
(1927 – ) English actor
Acting
Entertainment
Occupations
Work
Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.
Eugene Ormandy
(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Entertainment
Misspokements
Music
Jane Fonda coming back to the screen after a decade-and-a-half absence in Monster-in-Law is like Brando returning from the dead to star in a Police Academy movie.
Michael Sragow
(1952 – ) American film critic & columnist
Entertainment
Film
Insults
Jane Fonda
I
practice
when I’m loaded.
Zoot Sims
(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist
Alcohol
Entertainment
Music
When asked how he could play so well when he was loaded
My Comedy Channel – Fox News
My News Channel Comedy Central
Protest sign
Entertainment
Signs
Television
She was a singer who had to take every note above A with her eyebrows.
Montague Glass
(1877 – 1934) British-American lawyer & writer
Entertainment
Reviews/Criticism
Singing
I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob.
Bo Diddley
(1928 – 2008) American singer, songwriter & rock and roll pioneer
Entertainment
Music
Situations
Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.
Rich Hall
(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
Entertainment
Television
Commercials
I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment
Self
Performing
A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Entertainment
Jokes
Oxymorons
The hardest thing in the world is to start an orchestra, and the next hardest, to stop it.
Hans Richter
(1843 – 1916) Hungarian conductor
Entertainment
Music
Orchestras
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short.
Clive James
(1939 – ) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet & memoirist
Acting
Reviews/Criticism
Describing Marilyn Monroe
Page 13 of 37
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