Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Entertainment
(Page 4)
If it wasn't for white people, who would play lead guitar?
Marsha Warfield
(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Entertainment
Music
People
Guitar
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Entertainment
Sex
Television
A musical is a series of catastrophes ending with a floor show.
Oscar Levant
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Entertainment
Musical
Meryl Streep is not here tonight, she has the flu… and I hear she’s amazing in it.
Amy Poehler
(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Entertainment
People
At the Golden Globes Awards
Meryl Streep
Gone With the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in Hollywood history; I'm just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who's falling flat on his face and not Gary Cooper.
Gary Cooper
(1901 – 1961) film actor
Entertainment
Film
Reviews/Criticism
After he turned down the role of Rhett Butler
He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment
Music
Jack Benny
Violin
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra – and sank.
John Mason Brown
(1900 – 1969) American drama critic & author
Acting
Entertainment
Insults
Reviews/Criticism
Tallulah Bankhead
My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make people laugh with it, at least it's being used.
Louis C.K.
Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director
Acting
Appearance
Body
Entertainment
On doing a nude scene
The New Kids on the Block lip-syncing – who gives a damn?… that's like finding out the Muppets didn't sing their own music.
Mike Sweeney
comedian, television writer
Entertainment
Music
Mupplets
New Kids on the Block
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Entertainment
Music
Success
Tchaikovsky
War of 1812
Winners
I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Entertainment
Television
Never argue with a man who is shorter than his Oscar.
Larry Gelbart
(1928 – 2009) American television writer, playwright, screenwriter & author
Entertainment
Film
People
Dustin Hoffman
Oscars
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Beliefs
Entertainment
Insults
Opinion
People
Of Chevy Chase
Lloyd Webbers music is everywhere… but so is AIDS.
Malcolm Williamson
(1931 – 2003) Australian composer
Entertainment
Insults
Music
Andrew Lloyd Webber
I don't like sex on television… I keep falling off.
Saul Feldman
Sex
Television
Give them pleasure – the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.
Alfred Hitchcock
(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Emotions
Entertainment
Film
Nightmares
Pleasure
The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.
Ronnie Barker
(1929 – 2005) British actor & comedian
Communication
Entertainment
Language
Double meanings
Jokes
Stand-up is a lot like sex… there’s a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.
Whitney Cummings
(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Entertainment
Sex
Stand-up comedy
Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Entertainment
Music
Things
Piano
One can’t judge Wagner’s opera
Lohengrin
after a first hearing, and I certainly don’t intend hearing it a second time.
Gioachino Rossini
(1792 – 1868) Italian composer
Entertainment
Reviews/Criticism
Lohengrin
Opera
I don’t like this reality television, I have to be honest… I think real people should not be on television; it’s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
Garry Shandling
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Entertainment
Television
Reality television
Page 4 of 37
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