Subject: Family » Children

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

(1900 – 1944) French aristocrat, writer, poet & pioneering aviator
Children Family Intelligence Parents

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children TV/Movie Quotes

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

(1819 – 1901) English monarch of the United Kingdom
Children Family

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Children Family

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Mothers

Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children Television TV/Movie Quotes

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Children Definitions Family

Children should be heard, not obscene.

Children Murphy’s Laws

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

I’m a sensitive guy; I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Children Emotions

Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Children Definitions Parents

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Age Children Family Past Young

SPIT HAPPENS

Children Family Signs

Grandchildren can be f**king annoying – how many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Characteristics Children Family Fathers

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

Margaret Addams: What.
Debbie Jellinsky: Oh, I didn’t say anything.
Margaret Addams: No, that’s the baby’s nickname, What … from the obstetrician.

(1941 – ) American actress
Children TV/Movie Quotes