Subject: Family » Children

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist
Children Family

A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family Food/Drink

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Children Family Marriage Parents

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Children Communication Family Murphy’s Laws Old Speech

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Children Family Parents

When your first baby drops its doll, you sterilize it; when your second baby drops its doll, you tell the dog to “Fetch.”

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Children God Religion

Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Age Children Family Fear Parents Past

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs Learning

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children Family

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.

writer
Children Family

Parents – especially step-parents – are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children; they don’t fulfill the promise of their early years.

(1905 – 2000) English writer
Children Family Parents

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Children Family

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Age Children Family Marriage Places

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Parents People

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Children Family Parents