Subject: Family » Children (Page 12)

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Age Children Family Past Young

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Friends People Travel

I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.

British comedian
Children Family

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Children Family

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

American comedian & motivational speaker
Children Dating Family Men People Travel Women

I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Children Family

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Children Family Sex Wordplay

Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.

Children Definitions Family

It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to stray, worm-riddled dogs, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won’t sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs.’

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

comedian
Children Family Fathers

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in your baby’s mouth; whatever is in your baby’s mouth will wind up on the floor.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

By the tine the youngest children have learned to keep the house tidy, the oldest grandchildren are on hand to tear it to pieces.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Children Family

When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.

(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist
Appearance Body Children Fat

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Driving Family Sex

It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Children Family Marriage Mothers

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children Family