Subject: Family » Children (Page 14)

Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.

(1941 – ) American actor

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

Never raise your hands to your kids… it leaves your groin unprotected.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

You don’t know what love is ’til you become a parent and fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

American comedian & motivational speaker

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Twins: Infant replay.

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author