Subject: Family » Children (Page 18)

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children TV/Movie Quotes

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Parents People

1. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy. 2. Always be backlit. 3. Sit down whenever possible.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Children Family

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Food/Drink Time

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Housework People

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Emotions Family Love

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Children Family Sex Wordplay

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will sometimes produce bizarre behavior… and I’m not talking about the kids.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Old Parents

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Children Parents Sports Yogi-isms

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance Children Family Parents

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Driving Family Sex

The child that divides gets last pick.

Children Murphy’s Laws

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Books Children Yogi-isms

When traveling with children… at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.

Activities Children Family Murphy’s Laws Travel

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Children Communication Education Family Speech