Subject: Family » Children (Page 18)

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Children

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Games

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Children should be heard, not obscene.

Children Murphy’s Laws

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

Children always take the line of most persistence.

writer
Children Family Wordplay

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Food/Drink

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.

Children Definitions Family

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 

comedian
Children Family

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Characteristics Children Family

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow; we called her Melony.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Children Family

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Age Children Old People