Subject: Family » Children (Page 5)

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Children Dogs

You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Children Education Family Learning

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Children Family Proverbs

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
America Children Family Parents People Places

1. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy. 2. Always be backlit. 3. Sit down whenever possible.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

The child that divides gets last pick.

Children Murphy’s Laws

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer
Children Divorce Family Marriage

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

Book Titles Children

When traveling with children… at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.

Activities Children Family Murphy’s Laws Travel

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People

When your first baby drops its doll, you sterilize it; when your second baby drops its doll, you tell the dog to “Fetch.”

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

Children of Progressive Parents admitted only on leads.

Children Signs

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.

Children Family

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Children Family Sex Wordplay

When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.

(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist
Appearance Body Children Fat

Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Children Family Marriage Parents

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Intelligence Understanding