Subject: Family » Children (Page 9)

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Children Family Mothers

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Age Children Ideas

1. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy. 2. Always be backlit. 3. Sit down whenever possible.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough with me to tell me that I’m adopted, but why every day?

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Parents

I get those maternal feelings; like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Children Emotions Family

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer
Children Family Life Parents

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible… and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Children Family Parents Success

You don’t know what love is ’til you become a parent and fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Emotions Family Love

If it tastes good, you can't have it; if it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.

Children Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Children Family

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author
Age Children Family Health Mothers

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Food/Drink Time

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol Children Family Fathers

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

(1943 – ) English comedian
Children Family Money Wealth

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher
Age Children Family Fathers Mothers

When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” … congratulations, you’re ready (to have children).

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Can’t have a favorite, [child] I don’t… I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

(1936 – ) television talk show host
Children Family Parents