Subject: Family » Fathers

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Family Fathers People Self

I have a gold watch he [my father] sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Death Family Fathers

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
Family Fathers

A father is a banker provided by nature.

Family Fathers Proverbs

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Education Fathers School

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.

comedian
Appearance Body Family Fathers

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

I love my dad… he used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so, it was cool growing up with him ’cause when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

(1976 – ) comedian
Family Fathers Sports

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Family Fathers

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Education Fathers School

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Family Fathers

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

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Children Family Fathers Mothers

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Family Fathers Sex