Subject: Family » Fathers (Page 2)

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Book Titles Family Fathers

My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.

(1908 – 1999) English writer
Family Fathers Mothers World

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Fathers People Self

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Education Fathers School

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.

comedian
Appearance Body Family Fathers

I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, ‘I’m gay.’

(1978 – ) American actor, comedian & writer
Family Fathers

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Family Fathers Time War

Father: An ATM provided by nature.

Definitions Family Fathers

I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Family Fathers

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher
Age Children Family Fathers Mothers

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

(1814 – 1882) American clergyman
Family Fathers Intelligence

My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family Fathers

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

comedian
Communication Family Fathers Places

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol Children Family Fathers