Subject: Family » Fathers (Page 2)

Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Family Fathers

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Mothers Sex

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People

You might be a redneck if… your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education Family Fathers People Rednecks School

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

(1814 – 1882) American clergyman
Family Fathers Intelligence

A father is a banker provided by nature.

Family Fathers Proverbs

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Family Fathers Situations

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Family Fathers Time War

I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, ‘I’m gay.’

(1978 – ) American actor, comedian & writer
Family Fathers

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

,


Children Family Fathers Mothers

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Family Fathers

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Education Fathers School

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Family Fathers People Self

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I love my dad… he used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so, it was cool growing up with him ’cause when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

(1976 – ) comedian
Family Fathers Sports