Subject: Family » Fathers (Page 3)

Father: An ATM provided by nature.

Definitions Family Fathers

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers Speech

I love my dad… he used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so, it was cool growing up with him ’cause when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

(1976 – ) comedian
Family Fathers Sports

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Religion

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Mothers Sex

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
America Characteristics Family Fathers People Places

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Fathers

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children Family Fathers

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Family Fathers Time War

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

My old man never liked me; he gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.

comedian
Appearance Body Family Fathers

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Family Fathers Situations

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

comedian
Communication Family Fathers Places

I was born when my dad was 50; it’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you… we’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Age Family Fathers Old Young

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Communication Family Fathers Killing Mothers Speech