Subject: Family » Fathers (Page 3)

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Fathers Intelligence Learning Stupidity Wisdom

Dad taught me everything I know; unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

(1962 – ) American race car driver
Education Family Fathers Learning

I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Fathers People Self

I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities Conflict Family Fathers Travel

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

Definitions Family Fathers

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.' I’d say ‘Yeah? When?'

Family Fathers

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Family Fathers

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Family Fathers Money Poverty Things

I have a gold watch he [my father] sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Death Family Fathers

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.


Family Fathers

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Religion

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Fathers

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
America Characteristics Family Fathers People Places

I love my dad… he used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so, it was cool growing up with him ’cause when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

(1976 – ) comedian
Family Fathers Sports

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

A father is a banker provided by nature.

Family Fathers Proverbs