Subject: Family » Fathers (Page 3)

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Family Fathers

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

comedian
Children Family Fathers

I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, ‘I’m gay.’

(1978 – ) American actor, comedian & writer
Family Fathers

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Family Fathers Time War

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

You might be a redneck if… you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Fathers People Rednecks

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol Children Family Fathers

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Communication Family Fathers Killing Mothers Speech

You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Family Fathers

I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities Conflict Family Fathers Travel

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Fathers People Rednecks

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Fathers Mothers Parents

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

One day my father took me aside… and left me there.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Family Fathers People Self

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence