Subject: Family » Mothers (Page 3)

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

If I was playing third base and my mother rounded third with the winning run, I’d trip her up.

(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager
Baseball Family Mothers Sports

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Children Family Mothers

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Family Mothers Situations

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Family Mothers People Self

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Family Mothers People Women

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers… the original meal was never found.

(1959 – ) British/American actress, comedian, director, author & screenwriter
Eating Food/Drink Mothers

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Housework Mothers

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Communication Family Language Mothers

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Mothers Self

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author
Age Children Family Health Mothers

I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Emotions Family Happiness Mothers

Moms Who Drink and Swear

Book Titles Mothers

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Body Mothers Science/Weather

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers