Subject: Family (Page 10)

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

comedian
Communication Family Fathers Places

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Fathers Intelligence Learning Stupidity Wisdom

For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Children Family Parents

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family People

All television is children's television.

advertising expert & editor
Children Entertainment Television

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist Cathy
Emotions Food/Drink Love Mothers Work

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Fathers

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Parents People

The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.

Children Family Wordplay

We kept Mommy on a pedestal… it was the only way we could keep Daddy off her. – of life in a family with 12 children

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Family Parents

Raised by two mothers? … Wow, most of us barely survive one.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Mothers

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Marriage Wives

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Children Money Proverbs Sex

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Mothers

Cambridge is the kind of place where you can walk into a children’s bookstore and find a self-help section.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Children Intelligence Places

What’s the toughest thing in a professional football game? … Its being the mother of the quarterback.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer
Family Football Mothers Sports

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly