Subject: Family (Page 12)

Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

I just got out of the hospital… I had my mother removed from my back.

comedian & television writer

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

One year my parents got me Hide and Seek for Christmas.

(1968 – ) Welsh comedian

I don’t know what Scrope Davies meant by telling you I liked children, I abominate the sight of them so much that I have always had the greatest respect for the character of Herod.

(1788 – 1824) English poet

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

American free-lance writer

Genealogist: One who traces your family history back as far as your money will go. 

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

You make ‘em, I amuse ‘em.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator

Bernadette: Everyone’s a better mom than me.

(1981 – ) Indian-English actor

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.

comedian

We don’t have home movies in my family… we have people’s exhibit A.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.

typographer

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.

(1958 – ) Australian author

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist