Subject: Family (Page 12)

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children Family

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children Family

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Family Parents

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Book Titles Family Fathers

Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian
Family Relationships

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

Family Proverbs

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.

(1935 – ) British author
Books Children Communication Family Life Reading/Writing Sex

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

Socialite: Whatever possessed you to be born in a place like Lowell, Massachusetts?

Whistler: I wished to be near my mother.

(1834 – 1903) American-born, British-based artist
Family Mothers Places

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

(1943 – ) English comedian
Children Family Money Wealth

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Problems

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol Children Family Fathers