Subject: Family (Page 13)

My old man never liked me; he gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Children Definitions Family

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring; when she was in a good mood it turned blue… in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

comedian
Family Mothers

I was born when my dad was 50; it’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you… we’d go to the movies and we’re both getting discounts.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Age Family Fathers

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
America Characteristics Family Fathers People Places

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Children Family

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Fathers Intelligence Learning Stupidity Wisdom

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family TV/Movie Quotes

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Family Fathers Health

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

Children Family

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

A "good" family, it seems, is one that used to be better.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Family Relationships

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian
Children Family Old

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers Speech

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 

comedian
Children Family

Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.

Children Definitions Family

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Family Mothers Religion

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Family