Subject: Family (Page 14)

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Relationships

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.

(1991 – ) English stand-up comedian
Age Family Old

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Family

A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.

writer
Children Family

Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your children.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Children Family

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball Children Money Sports Wealth

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Fathers People Rednecks

Birthday parties always end in tears.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice [his daughter], I cannot possibly do both.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Children Family

I Heart My Little A-Holes

Book Titles Children

Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.

writer
Children Family

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Family Fathers Golf Sports

SPIT HAPPENS

Children Family Signs

You might be a redneck if… you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.

(1952 – ) comedian
Family

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Family Money Relationships

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Children Marriage