Subject: Family (Page 15)

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Family Parents

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance Characteristics Children Intelligence Religion Wives

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

I am fond of children (except boys).

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Children Family

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Children Education Family Intelligence Speech

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Children Family Parents Success

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in your baby’s mouth; whatever is in your baby’s mouth will wind up on the floor.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Education Learning School

You make ‘em, I amuse ‘em.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator
Children Family

The child that divides gets last pick.

Children Murphy’s Laws

Did you ever meet a mother who’s complained that her child phoned her too often… me neither.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Children Communication Family Mothers

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, “Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.”

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Children Family Marriage

You’re a chimp off the old block.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Family Malaprops

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family

Kids Are Turds: Brutally Honest Humor for the Pooped-Out Parent

Book Titles Children

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things