Subject: Family (Page 17)

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Family Relationships

Raised by two mothers? … Wow, most of us barely survive one.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Mothers

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

(1911 – 1989) television actress
Children Family

I would like to give these kids a good home; in fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…

(1957 – 2008) American comedian & actor
Children Family

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family People Self

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

Failure Family Murphy’s Laws Parents Problems Young

I’m related to people I don’t relate to.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Family

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Communication Language

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Children Education Family Intelligence Speech

The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family

Billy Almon has all of his inlaw and outlaws here this afternoon.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Family Misspokements

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Husbands Marriage

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

Heredity: What a man believes in until his son begins to behave like a delinquent.

Definitions Family