Subject: Family (Page 18)

I have a gold watch he [my father] sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Death Family Fathers

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor
Activities Children

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family Men Mothers People Relationships Sex

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Food/Drink Time

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children Conflict People

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

I get on very well with my parents, give or take my mother.

English comedian & actor
Family Mothers Parents

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family Parents Situations

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor
Conflict Family Fights

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family People

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Activities Age Animals Children Young

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Children Communication Family Murphy’s Laws Old Speech

I didn’t hate my mother; it was an accident!

(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor
Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Children Parents Sports Yogi-isms

One time my whole family played hide and seek; they found my mother in Pittsburgh!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers People Self

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay