Subject: Family (Page 19)

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Driving Family Sex

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Age Children Ideas

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers… the original meal was never found.

(1959 – ) British/American actress, comedian, director, author & screenwriter
Eating Food/Drink Mothers

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Parents Places Young

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions Family Happiness

I’ve been here eight months and have been in two earthquakes, a race riot, floods and fires, and I left New York because I couldn’t handle my mother.

comedian & television writer
Family Mothers Places

White babies are disgusting… they’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet.

(1983 – ) American comedian & actor
Family People

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Children Family Proverbs

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Definitions Family

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

Family Proverbs

[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible… and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Children Family Parents Success