Subject: Family (Page 19)

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
Family Fathers

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car; no, I'm kidding… I don’t have a license.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian
Children Communication Family Wordplay

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

My husband's penis is like a semicolon… I can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway.

British comedian
Family People Sex

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family Relationships

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Family Health

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Family Relationships

The Sh!t No One Tells You: A Guide to Surviving Your Baby’s First Year

Book Titles Family

After you have children, the economic law reverses to Demand and Supply.

writer
Children Family

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.

Age Children Family Learning

Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.

Definitions Family

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

Insanity doesn’t run in my family; it gallops.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor
Family

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

(1904 – 1973) English novelist & biographer
Children Family

I’m related to people I don’t relate to.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Family

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family Intelligence Marriage Stupidity

I don’t know what Scrope Davies meant by telling you I liked children, I abominate the sight of them so much that I have always had the greatest respect for the character of Herod.

(1788 – 1824) English poet
Children Family

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Birth control that really works – every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Children Family

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

(1911 – 1989) television actress
Children Family