Subject: Family (Page 2)

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Children Family

Children always take the line of most persistence.

writer
Children Family Wordplay

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family Men Mothers People Relationships Sex

Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.

Children Definitions Family

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Science/Weather

Showoff: A child who is more talented than yours.

Children Definitions Family

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family

I know how to do anything — I’m a mom.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Characteristics Family Mothers

I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Family

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Communication Family Fathers Killing Mothers Speech

My two sisters’ idea of birth control is apparently a bottle of tequila and the rhythm method of Barry White.

American comedian & television host
Children Family

My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.

(Uncle Lar) American comedian
Age Family Sex

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Family Mothers

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

Accidents Children

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author
Age Children Family Health Mothers

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Children Family

When traveling with children… at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.

Activities Children Family Murphy’s Laws Travel

Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

(1958 – ) American actor & producer
Family Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People