Subject: Family (Page 20)

When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Children Family Parents

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Communication Family

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Fathers People Rednecks

Unwed Mother: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter’s talent for becoming invisible at will.

Definitions Family

I didn’t hate my mother; it was an accident!

(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor
Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Family Fathers Sex

I love my dad… he used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so, it was cool growing up with him ’cause when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

(1976 – ) comedian
Family Fathers Sports

I’ve been like a mother to that girl. I’ve locked her in her room, told her she was fat, and once I even left her in a store!

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Family Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

An adolescent doesn’t always know where he’s going; only that he isn’t there.

writer
Children Family

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Emotions Family Love

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers; good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

(1952 – ) comedian
Mothers Relationships

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

My two sisters’ idea of birth control is apparently a bottle of tequila and the rhythm method of Barry White.

American comedian & television host
Children Family

My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Dating Family Relationships

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Communication Family Fathers Killing Mothers Speech

White babies are disgusting… they’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet.

(1983 – ) American comedian & actor
Family People

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher
Age Children Family Fathers Mothers

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Children Family Proverbs