Subject: Family (Page 20)

[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Family Fathers

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist
Children Family

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Children Communication Family Murphy’s Laws Old Speech

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Family Mothers People Relationships Time Women

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance Characteristics Children Intelligence Religion Wives

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Fathers Intelligence Learning Stupidity Wisdom

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are.

Definitions Family People

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Children Family

If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Children Emotions Family Parents

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Children Family Mothers

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Parents People Rednecks

With the birth of a child you lose two novels.

(1955 – ) Scottish writer
Books Children Communication Family Reading/Writing

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Fathers Fools Intelligence Mothers People Self

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Children Definitions Education

I can’t have kids because I have white couches.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Children Family

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Children Family Marriage Proverbs

It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to stray, worm-riddled dogs, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won’t sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs.’

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family

No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.

Family Money Murphy’s Laws Relationships

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations