Subject: Family (Page 21)

I know their mother… she'd give them all my plays.

college football coach

Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

SPIT HAPPENS

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.

writer

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist Cathy

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Friends are God’s apology for relations.

(1889 – 1949) British writer & journalist

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

comedian

All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)