Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 21)
I know their mother… she'd give them all my plays.
Bobby Bowden
college football coach
Family
Football
Sports
On why he never wanted to play against either of his sons' teams
Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Children
Definitions
Parents
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Children
Friends
Old
People
Imaginary friends
There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Emotions
Family
Relationships
Sisters
Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.
Bruce Lansky
(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children
Family
Situations
Parenthood
SPIT HAPPENS
On a baby's bib
Children
Family
Signs
Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age
Family
Relationships
Sex
I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities
Conflict
Family
Fathers
Travel
Globe
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.
Will Ferrell
(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children
Family
Babies
There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.
Wilson Mizner
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family
Places
Relationships
Closets
Skeletons
A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.
Marcelene Cox
writer
Activities
Family
Mothers
Vacations
Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Driving
Family
Fathers
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Children
TV/Movie Quotes
Internet
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Children
Family
Christmas
Gifts
Meanness
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
(1950 – ) American cartoonist
Cathy
Emotions
Food/Drink
Love
Mothers
Work
Guilt
Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Sex
Wordplay
Kids
You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children
Family
People
Rednecks
Speech
K-Mart
Friends are God’s apology for relations.
Hugh Kingsmill
(1889 – 1949) British writer & journalist
Family
Friends
People
Relatives
Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Family
Parents
Situations
Justice
Quiet
My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Communication
Family
Fathers
Places
Japanese
World War II
All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my
reclining
years trying to raise another one.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Children
Malaprops
Declining years
Page 21 of 34
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