Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 22)
A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Children
Communication
Education
Family
Speech
Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Education
Teacher
Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.
Heywood Hale Broun
(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children
Family
People
Travel
Babies
When your first baby drops its doll, you sterilize it; when your second baby drops its doll, you tell the dog to “Fetch.”
Bruce Lansky
(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children
Family
Parenthood
Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Family
TV/Movie Quotes
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
Skoff's Law
Accidents
Children
Spills
I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.
Charles Lamb
(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs
Children
Family
Fathers
Religion
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family
Parents
Twits beget twits.
Van Dongen’s Law of Heredity
Family
Murphy’s Laws
Twits
Van Dongen
I’ll be spending the holidays with my family; nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Family
To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway
(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Children
Family
Fathers
Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault
Bunmi Laditan
Book Titles
Children
Toddlers
A lot of people would rather tour sewers than visit their cousins.
Jane Howard
(1935 – 1996) American writer
Family
Relationships
Visiting
Daughter: A person who Dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who Mom is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.
Unknown
Definitions
Family
Daughter
There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.
Alice Thomas Ellis
Anna Haycraft (1932 – 2005) English writer & essayist
Children
Emotions
Love
Men
Women
Hamsters
We don’t have home movies in my family… we have people’s exhibit A.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Family
To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children
Family
Life
Pregnancy
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children
Family
Fathers
Mothers
What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Children
Emotions
Family
Love
TV/Movie Quotes
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children
Family
Babies
This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.
Cory Kahaney
(1963 – ) American comedian
Children
Marriage
Souvenirs
Page 22 of 34
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